Thursday, August 27, 2009

How does one person

continue to make you feel like shit years later?

On Friday, I snapped at two friends for something that would be seen as innocent to anyone else. Unfortunately, to me it brought on thoughts of someone else's typical behavior. Sara's behavior and how I stood by and watched it, while she acted more and more abusive and deceitful to me. In a matter of minutes, I reverted back to that time in my life. I was angry. Irrationally angry. And instantly sad. Sad from the memories of why I was angry and sad because I had just alienated my friends. It was time for sleep, so I tried to sleep, but only ended up dreaming of those times.

In the morning, I tried to apologize for losing it, but there is no way for them to understand what I was worked up about. I don't even understand it, when I try to explain it. I have worked so hard to move past the things that she put me through, and I brought it all back in an instant. Fear, denial, loneliness, sadness, self doubt. Every hateful and demeaning thing she said and did to me are playing through my mind over and over. Night and day.

I thought I would be able to put it out of my mind this week, but it has been harder than that. I am exhausted and feel like I could cry at any moment. From all the times that she told me that no one liked me and that they just tolerated my presence and wished that I didn't even exist, I am doubting friendships and myself. Especially those that were snapped on.

She (and her memory) has once again made me feel like I am worthless, unliked and useless. I feel alone. I feel unloved and...despised. I am down, and I don't know how to pick myself up. I don't know how to explain it any other way.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Some people never change

So for the past week or so, a kid from high school has on and off tried to chat with me on Facebook. Usually I was playing a game or signing off, so I didn't really chat with him. I meant to email him, but didn't get that far. Today he started out the chat with "do you ever talk to anyone on here?". It seemed harsh, but I went on talking with him. Apparently, he has been ignored and snubbed still by kids from high school, and he was assuming I was doing the same.

A little about this kid, J. He was not popular, but super nice. He had a huge crush on my friend, Sonja, and asked her out every week. She turned him down nicely and was always polite and still friendly to him. He was not her type. I would guess that she is now married to a tall Hispanic or Native man. That was her style.

Anyways, one of the kids who THOUGHT he was popular in high school had been social with J, because their kids go to the same school. Suddenly he is snubbing J. This kid was the butt of tons of jokes in school. Cruel jokes like snapping turtles in his locker and the like.

Another one of the Oh-so-popular girls from high school was snotty and (finally) J has decided to stand up to people and he told her to piss off. Haha!

A bit about me in high school. I was in no way popular, but got along with almost everyone...I didn't fit in socially, emotionally or in my wardrobe. The above girl made it a point on more than one occasion that my shirt probably wasn't new, since she knew I worked at the thrift shop. My knee high socks and skirts did not win me any acceptance with her or her friends.

My close friends were the same for the most part. We hung out with ourselves. Went to MIA on senior skip day instead of drinking on the beach. Ran around with our walkmans on. Band nerds. Multi-colored hair and polyester pants. Our rooms were filled with things like Mannequin heads, our own art, poems we wrote, cds and movies flung across the floor. Our Fridays were fun for us with movies, pep band and Perkins.

Point is: It is funny how some people still think they are hot shit, even when they are old, fat, with no/grey hair. Just pathetic. I am wondering why some people can grow and others stay the same as when they were 16.

Well, I am off to being my nerdy little self. :)