Thursday, August 27, 2009

How does one person

continue to make you feel like shit years later?

On Friday, I snapped at two friends for something that would be seen as innocent to anyone else. Unfortunately, to me it brought on thoughts of someone else's typical behavior. Sara's behavior and how I stood by and watched it, while she acted more and more abusive and deceitful to me. In a matter of minutes, I reverted back to that time in my life. I was angry. Irrationally angry. And instantly sad. Sad from the memories of why I was angry and sad because I had just alienated my friends. It was time for sleep, so I tried to sleep, but only ended up dreaming of those times.

In the morning, I tried to apologize for losing it, but there is no way for them to understand what I was worked up about. I don't even understand it, when I try to explain it. I have worked so hard to move past the things that she put me through, and I brought it all back in an instant. Fear, denial, loneliness, sadness, self doubt. Every hateful and demeaning thing she said and did to me are playing through my mind over and over. Night and day.

I thought I would be able to put it out of my mind this week, but it has been harder than that. I am exhausted and feel like I could cry at any moment. From all the times that she told me that no one liked me and that they just tolerated my presence and wished that I didn't even exist, I am doubting friendships and myself. Especially those that were snapped on.

She (and her memory) has once again made me feel like I am worthless, unliked and useless. I feel alone. I feel unloved and...despised. I am down, and I don't know how to pick myself up. I don't know how to explain it any other way.

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