Tuesday, December 29, 2009

I have had enough.

For the past few years my out of town "best friend" has been incredibly rude and really not much of a real friend. Not responsive. Generally late when she is supposed to meet up with me and other MN friends. Last year she was a half hour late to meet me for the hour she had, and then she got pissed, when I called her on it. This year she didn't bother to let me know, and I saw a post from a friend that she was out with. I am done. When she first moved away, she was glad to be home and meet up, but more and more I got the feeling that she is too good for me. When I have gone out to see her, I got the attitude that I was a waste of her time and not really welcome for a majority of the trip. I have made myself available to her, when she needed someone to talk to, when she didn't have friends out there, to offer her assistance when she was having a rough time. But have gotten guff, when I needed her to do the same for me.

This was just the last slap I needed today. I had already been feeling like I do not fit in and lonely.

Friday, December 25, 2009

Nothing motivates like a 5 year old & a measuring tape.

Yep. That's right. Megan found a tape measure and we HAD to measure all my body parts today. Yuck! I know I am a chubby little lady, but that was more of an eye opener than I was ready for on Christmas. It's that time of year, when I come up with a new game plan for the new year and try to motivate myself in so many ways.

Game plan,Rules and such:
1. Eating better. One can of pop a day. Pack my lunch like a good kid. No snacks/sweet beverage after 8pm. No fried food.
2. Exercise. Get off my butt
3. Pay off bills. Save money. Don't buy useless stuff.

That's what I have for now!

Saturday, November 21, 2009

Cheese to my macaroni

So yesterday was my 33rd birthday. Like usual this brought about much reflection and fun. And unfortunately too much drama like too often as of late. Decided today that I needed to lay around on the couch and watch Juno, since I have been thinking a lot about having a macaroni for my cheese. I went on a date on Thursday evening, and it was okay. Not my counterpart and that sucks. I've been lonely without anyone lately, and I wish that I could find my other half.

We went Downtown after dinner at the Rail Station, and we had a pretty good time. It was all good until it was time to leave and then the misunderstandings. Unfortunately, that created drama and it makes me sad to know that I probably alienated myself even more so than usual. I did the ugly cry and probably said things that came out completely wrong. It seemed okay this morning, but I feel like an idiot.

Thursday, August 27, 2009

How does one person

continue to make you feel like shit years later?

On Friday, I snapped at two friends for something that would be seen as innocent to anyone else. Unfortunately, to me it brought on thoughts of someone else's typical behavior. Sara's behavior and how I stood by and watched it, while she acted more and more abusive and deceitful to me. In a matter of minutes, I reverted back to that time in my life. I was angry. Irrationally angry. And instantly sad. Sad from the memories of why I was angry and sad because I had just alienated my friends. It was time for sleep, so I tried to sleep, but only ended up dreaming of those times.

In the morning, I tried to apologize for losing it, but there is no way for them to understand what I was worked up about. I don't even understand it, when I try to explain it. I have worked so hard to move past the things that she put me through, and I brought it all back in an instant. Fear, denial, loneliness, sadness, self doubt. Every hateful and demeaning thing she said and did to me are playing through my mind over and over. Night and day.

I thought I would be able to put it out of my mind this week, but it has been harder than that. I am exhausted and feel like I could cry at any moment. From all the times that she told me that no one liked me and that they just tolerated my presence and wished that I didn't even exist, I am doubting friendships and myself. Especially those that were snapped on.

She (and her memory) has once again made me feel like I am worthless, unliked and useless. I feel alone. I feel unloved and...despised. I am down, and I don't know how to pick myself up. I don't know how to explain it any other way.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Some people never change

So for the past week or so, a kid from high school has on and off tried to chat with me on Facebook. Usually I was playing a game or signing off, so I didn't really chat with him. I meant to email him, but didn't get that far. Today he started out the chat with "do you ever talk to anyone on here?". It seemed harsh, but I went on talking with him. Apparently, he has been ignored and snubbed still by kids from high school, and he was assuming I was doing the same.

A little about this kid, J. He was not popular, but super nice. He had a huge crush on my friend, Sonja, and asked her out every week. She turned him down nicely and was always polite and still friendly to him. He was not her type. I would guess that she is now married to a tall Hispanic or Native man. That was her style.

Anyways, one of the kids who THOUGHT he was popular in high school had been social with J, because their kids go to the same school. Suddenly he is snubbing J. This kid was the butt of tons of jokes in school. Cruel jokes like snapping turtles in his locker and the like.

Another one of the Oh-so-popular girls from high school was snotty and (finally) J has decided to stand up to people and he told her to piss off. Haha!

A bit about me in high school. I was in no way popular, but got along with almost everyone...I didn't fit in socially, emotionally or in my wardrobe. The above girl made it a point on more than one occasion that my shirt probably wasn't new, since she knew I worked at the thrift shop. My knee high socks and skirts did not win me any acceptance with her or her friends.

My close friends were the same for the most part. We hung out with ourselves. Went to MIA on senior skip day instead of drinking on the beach. Ran around with our walkmans on. Band nerds. Multi-colored hair and polyester pants. Our rooms were filled with things like Mannequin heads, our own art, poems we wrote, cds and movies flung across the floor. Our Fridays were fun for us with movies, pep band and Perkins.

Point is: It is funny how some people still think they are hot shit, even when they are old, fat, with no/grey hair. Just pathetic. I am wondering why some people can grow and others stay the same as when they were 16.

Well, I am off to being my nerdy little self. :)

Sunday, July 26, 2009

I should not sacrifice the present for the phantom of the future.

I should not sacrifice the present for the phantom of the future-It is kinda fitting I think. How often do we get stuck in the what ifs? Way too often.

I was day dreaming that I had a cabin again. Ha! I do not own a home, but somehow the idea of spending $60K on a cabin doesn't seem illogical to me. No idea why, but it seems normal. I can justify it a million different ways. 1. It will just be a few hundred dollars a month 2. My whole family could use it and help clean it up 3. I could have my friends up there all the time for TT. etc etc.

Maybe it just seems much more doable to me, since I will not be able to buy a house on my own until I win the lotto. :) Maybe it is appealing, cuz it would be a place where I could sit out in the open and not hear a firetruck or a dog bark. I could wander through from shower to bedroom without a robe and it would be fine, cuz no one would be there to peer into the windows. hahaha.

I think I may have spent too much time in the North Woods to want that kind of solitude. I have thought many times about buying some land and just camp on it until I make enough to build a little place. Cheaper to buy the land and build from scratch. I already have an idea of what I would like it to look like. Very simple and made out of cement blocks and tin roof.

I am sure that I will be dreaming about cabins and shopping thrift stores for the fun stuff to go inside tonight!

Monday, June 1, 2009

Ready for Summer!

So far the spring has been fan-freakin'-tastic! There has been much backyard time, meeting new people and plans being put into action. (As always Teeny is leaning on my arm, while I try to type.) The summer can only get better as things progress. Hoping to get my butt out of town sometime soon for a little break from real life for a weekend or so, :)